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------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- August Posts! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 08/12/24 I like how every day at past 2 am I get depressed like almost Its not even drowning me anymore I let it engulf me until I am numb as today every day it feels like I am going to kms at anyday but I still have much more left undone, girlfriend? what's that I don't think its even real at least for me I wouldn't be like this if they WERE real, fear not though I am suicidal its just I am tired actually didn't even say "Mom, I am tired" once since I am a bad son. 08/13/24 Thread/Posts might get cancelled tbh. Coding sucks but I gotta leave my message since I only have 1GB of storage in neocities so why not archive my "Nichijou" and reflect on the past when someone or something came by and read these posts hopefully even fix this code and make this into a REAL forum website, schools gottem pretty busy so I might not get the time to always change/add in this site ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Planning to add the following: -Anime recommendations (maintenance) -Links (planning) -Supporters (planning) -Image gallery (if possible) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 08/14/24 -Threads/Posts I have been rethinking about this part I have made a Thread tab which you can directly access but it seems that I have some trouble understanding localStorage to make comments in Thread/Posts visible to everyone that said internet told me that I need a VPS. -Still on maintenance Happy birthday to my friend Coyda_healr! Wish you the best in life my idol! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 08/27/24 I saw her again this time she just took a quick glance, on the way home I talked to myself while imagining things that wouldn't go bad if she and I were still in that kind of relationship, it was kinda weird at first talking to myself on the way home but it did took off some of my built up feelings for her if I were to put it in a song I would say its like "Best Friend" by Rex Orange County like She and I wasn't really in a relationship its more of like "more than friends less than lovers" kinda thing I just want her bad to be honest with you guys you might say go to her or say something I tried she just wasn't ready yet and wants to be normal friends like imagine being in that situation you both love each other and then suddenly one day she just said quits to that relationship and said "lets go to the way that we were before" which is so sudden even I can't respond with feelings. If I knew that day were the last time we will hug each other I would've Hugged her tightly more than I ever did to someone close to me the only reason why I didn't hug her tight is I was sweating, but now she's just a memory the times we would go buy boba and walk together holding hands was just a memory I know said I wanted to experience being in love in my high school years but I never knew it was just a 3 week trial. If you wanted to know my real feelings I already said it in this text I want her back at least before the end of next year but I do guess she wouldn't make up her mind. It just hurts even if we were never in a real relationship but I did think it was "real". I might be dead sooner or later but if you found this website do try to contact someone who's trying to unalive themselves just like me the only reason I am still sane is just I couldn't leave things as they were or I might die due to cancer or maybe kidney stones because I drank too much coke or maybe appendicitis who knows. If you're her I'll still accept your offer to get back together as that will only happen in my dreams but for real I wish you find someone which you are happier than you were with me as for myself I won't go back into that feeling ever again I might as well be a NEET. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 09/9/24 I think she's just manipulative either way i got over it just by watching gura 2.0 stream and stream clips got my heart fluttered by gura the same way back in 2020 hahaha ill stick to anime girls and hololive and other companies ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 09/17/24 Got haircut didn't like it, I don't like haircut anyways after that I got home even though I knew right after i got home it'll be just like 2019 all over again its like that always. always. thing was I was right my hair and my face is my sensitive spot of my body anyway that somebody or someone notice something new like a haircut for example I am so easy to get tricked even though I always knew I was getting tricked, Back to my hair its much shorter than the previous haircut or if you know me its not really a haircut its really just a trim unlike today it was shorter than usual I knew it halfway of my haircut the thing blew it off was it was longer than usual I was with my mom and its just that I tried putting a nice act right after the haircut but its not really helping honestly. Back to 09/17/24 its really bad for me to this kind of things but its really the truth. I hate haircuts the only thing thats keeping me to haircut for the past 3 years was the lockdown due to pandemic which I chose to have long hair, grew attatched to it, and never got to haircut until 9th grade which was needed heck i still remember the day of uniform fitting me and my mother was given a girls uniform thinking i was a girl hahaha... Thats the last time I had my hair longer than any other year i had my hair. Now its short like barbers cut to no offense but its really frustrating to have this kind of feeling. 3 Years of cutting hair since school began has been my worst day or at least worst months as the tantrum can go for about 3 - 4 months depending on how my hair grows. School in my place is kind of hard to understand its a christian school who worship Jesus Christ and has a picture with long hair and now they don't allow long hair because of? rules school rules which kind of questioning for me but first why is long hair not allowed it ain't going to ruin the school's reputation nor the student grades or student conduct? Which i still don't know but due to it i hate my school since 7th Grade and yes this school is for High School Students or a Christian High School. I Just wanted to rant these to let some frustrations off my chest and mind since i have been greeted by my family like: "Nice haircut, What is the name of it?" or "Wow you look fresh!" sometimes "I can see your face now!" which is i don't like. Just please don't mention any haircuts my mom gets it its just the whole family just don't or usually no like always forget that i hate them noticing my haircut since I don't like haircuts like please I don't even look myself at the mirror look directly at cameras. Its just me hating my hair and hating my face. We got field trip this november and she and I won't be in it ill be alone in an amusement park with a bunch of nobodies in my class. I hope she won't text me back i already put her or you if you're reading this I already put you to archive with muted notifs on continue to update my mom since i haven't told her yet or at least you haven't or you might have i just didn't knew. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/1/24 The fact that I uinstalled astrodx for Proseka EN just for the new update and just to have some "friends" to join in, speaking of friends these people are my classmates and they were playing Valorant an fps shooter game and I am of course a player of it infact I played since Episode 2 and reached immortal 2 alone yes alone. That should also mean that i have no experience on this kinds of things such as talking to people on party chat or voice sometimes, I did have friends to paly with but they all went on their own daily lives as for me I stayed the same some friends blocked me some friends forget me and most of all I keep them as "memories" as time went on i will eventually forget them and i have this question to my self "if you are going to remember them will they remember you? or perhaps you're remembering them so you could never forget them as they are precious? in the end it won't matter wouldn't it?" thats the question to myself Days went on and a few weeks later it was intrams think of it like a sport fest for schools but its not that exciting for us its a 2 day even that was held off campus because the school is small but the venue chosen was big and was initially called sport complex which hence the name sport place kinda thing, 1st day went on was the games i was initially assign to play at tug of war but the rope is like one of those ropes that are slippery or lets say its kinda made out of plastic and you won't lose or win without a few burns on your hands so i backed out and slept as i was supposed to sleep but i did sleep for a while, I saw my old friend from 4th to 6th grade we are the closest friends and was once rivals in school section if we were classmates of course these days i am just playing it low key but my friend knows i have potential to play along as one of those inspiring students that has grades people look up upon, 2nd day was the final day we watched anime with my friend in those 2 days outdoors while laying on the bleachers of the sport complex it was outdoors so theres no AC nor Fan its just pure breeze and the sun, we watched until we were tired and on the 2nd day I saw her again but this time there was no spark i just kept looking but to my surprise my mind has taken a toll and thinks of her as "a pretty student that people glance upon" something like that well i am confident that it isnt the case but i was hoping to see that spark again sometimes although the chances are slim but also please don't say "its fine you'll have it someday" i am not even sure if i will be alive in that time honestly... but then this happened it was intrams day and its the 2nd day i literally slept whole day unlike the first day i just slept for a few hours and woke up due to the humidity at 3 pm in the scorching sun... things happened such as sleeping and playing games and also paying taxes or should i saw school payments "aka taxes for me" which is no doubt a fair resoning since its a private school that looks like a public school. Today feels off playing rhythm games you played once and came back after a year or 2 a month or a week its doesn't matter but having someone to compare you to someone else is wild also regarding about my classmates being typical backstabbers as they dont even try to hide it, They tried to invite me in a game of valorant week and then proceeded to just say we're finished or we're already completed sorry! something like that but i also understood that they wanted to play each other or with other people or without me at first you might say this is jelousy but this is what happened to my old friends i cant deny that sometimes its me that is one to blame but hear me out they would play and still mention my name like i was with them for 6 games of competetive and unrated i was triggered and just now at project sekai was just classmates again being dumb***** and kept saying that "ooooohhh lv 28 so weakk!!! you only do experts huhhhu what the hell?!?!" something like that but thingking the genius that i am I was triggered and just said "ok" but comparing you to other people is not good nor a good sign also dont point your finger at least not obviously to that people. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/2/24 to 12/7/24 For October its still the same with just minor things happened its so dumb that it makes me cry everytime i think about it for almost 2 years and we've been together for half a year and we're not yet official this has been going since this website was made i mean this is the whole purpose of this website haha to make daily life the only thing is that i am lazy to put anything since it doesn't even make sense coding it down every time, every word, every letter that i felt in those times but this time i was left behind around 2 months. I hate the part of October is just my school personality having fun with a girl which is i don't consider as a friend but a classmate but we've known each other for 3 years the fact that its crazy because ever since my best friend died i just want the upcoming "friends" i want to be like him or has his personality but look what happened to me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGFEqEFJ410) I love tuyu and every song reminds me of myself, every time i walk home the sun in the afternoon around 5PM always reminds me of her why? because thats when we go home together at least it used to be and speaking of which me wanting to get back to her is real and she just unfriended me on facebook which is i get but she mentioned when she don't want to do it no more and leave her friend on facebook since it doesnt really matter in her eyes but in myself it really is crazy to think i got played this bad and just realized it. Even more crazy is that all this is planned, My hypothesis concludes that if she either wants me or doesn't and that was answered easily she doesn't because of my mistake and my mistake i just want to be normal, get rid of this depression of me i cant sleep i cant breathe i cant do anything for myself this month of october has got to be the worse thing to happened after exams is just her with her looks and me looking all gloomy cause of her stares and eventually my family doesn't even know we're not together, why i didn't tell them? because we were not together since i had to wait until she was 18 to become her lover or boyfriend. If i only didnt mess up that one THAT ONE DAY i just hope like i hate this i hate myself (TUYU - Goodbye to Rock you MV: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGFEqEFJ410) ill just keep dropping tuyu songs here and now since it explains everything i feel ass right now. Mid of October around 20th of october there was preview quizzes and things like exam and reviews going on and to be unlucky enough to have her see me in a miserable state like i don't even know what personality i am showing in school and here in my home, my family, my relatives, my parents especially my mom i love my mom i love my dad but if either one have to say goodbye, this feeling i am feeling right now will expand both my ups and downs until i commit killing myself that shows how much i care. Around 20th of october and till the start of november I was just minding my usual days but here i am telling myself nonsense because none of those really happened nothing happened and nothing will ever be i just wanted to become normal. We both saw each other till the end of october. Its November! 1 week of noschool but there is a exam right after so its kinda useless nonetheless, i keep bumping into her but little did i know my discord persona totally forgot that one of my classmates is literally her friend which makes them know what i keep yapping and talking about, after some time i would be dead i might be developing cancer, or diabetes I want to die with people either know me or not ( TUYU - Loser Girl MV: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rg4cYlAKOc) i just want to become myself why even bother helping each other when you can do it solo? why do i compare myself to others? in the end the answeres are still the same and better left unansweredm, I will miss my people i have a email from months ago and will come to my mail this december but please wait for the good news and i hope like i become famous for playing maimai. Middle of November. This time everything goes the way i want it to be but i guess the luck hasn't been on my side for a long time in the end i grew up weak. I want her back i bumped into her without even looking at me she didnt do it meanwhile here i am just hallucinating this might be better than nothing else to lose right? hallucinating is better hahaha make me a girl please god remove my cock i wanna be cute and feel girly in a girl body. I miss her so much i can't even heal i i just wished that i answered it all correctly unless i gotta have to fucking turn off the switch for almost all of it but like i want her to notice me at least and smile her smile is what kept me going in a gew motnhs when she and i was still classmates. If you are readng this i am still accepting your confession at least for now i want to answer your confession leggaly i miss you so much please. At field trip day i saw her with her arms in another man maybe the one replaced me haha i wished she'll get treated better than me leaving her and giving a silent treatment hahaha i hate this self of mine. I was like this until november ended and brings us today. Autistiic classmate is nyaing at me i hate it i am no cat i am dog in the end it just the same way as november but this time even more broken since watching horrors and hallucinating shit makes me go crazy i am sorry for todays topic guys it might be a little sensitive, I love you Lara but i wish you felt what i felt when you shattered my soul,(TUYU - Being low as dirt, taking what's important from me MV: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7FH1dL51oU) i am not afraid of anything really nothing can scare me but it hurts it hurts so bad but its only a delusion only wish you can notice me
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